John Waters on Why He Loves Christmas
A film director who has been dubbed the “Pope of Trash” wouldn’t seem a likely holiday-spirit evangelist, but look a little closer and you’ll find that John Waters is an avowed, committed Christmas fan. Not only has the holiday been featured in his movies (recall 1974’s Female Trouble, where the lead character, played by Divine in drag, goes on a crime spree after her parents fail to gift her the cha-cha heels she so hoped to find under the tree), but he’s also released an album of his favorite off-kilter Christmas classics, and every December, Waters hits the road for a series of one-man shows dubbed A John Waters Christmas, where his funny stories are intended to help fans survive the stressful time of year. Last night marked the kick-off of his annual tour in California, so we asked the Baltimore icon to share his best holiday memories, a few tips on decorating, and an inventory of the books that are on his current Christmas wish list.
When people think of John Waters, Christmas might not be the first thing they think of.
I only make fun of things I love! And Christmas is something that I do love.
Why do you love Christmas?
I love Christmas because it’s a time that’s extreme for everybody. No matter what, something is going to happen, you can’t avoid it. You have to have clothes for it, too, which I love—in December, I’m like a drag queen on Halloween: I work. So I have to look all year for clothes that I can wear in my Christmas show.
What makes for a good Christmas outfit?
Red, of course. I have four or five red, or reddish, outfits, that I never wear any other time of the year.
What’s been the biggest Christmas disaster of your life?
When I was young, the Christmas tree did fall over on my grandmother. It was exciting though, not terrifying. Much later, my grandmother thought it was funny that I put a much more extreme version of that scene in Female Trouble. I tell that story in my show and afterwards, fans all tell me their Christmas horror stories and often, the tree falls over. I advise everybody that you should time it so that just as you are opening your presents you have the tree rigged to fall over so that everybody screams in the photo-op.
What is the worst Christmas gift you’ve ever gotten?
I’m always really insulted when someone gives me a gift card because I think that they were lazy or thought I was stupid. It’s embarrassing to pull out a gift card—to me, a gift card is the same feeling as getting a Christmas card on my computer. I want to send back a virus with a horrible Christmas carol that you can’t get out of your computer and you have to take it to get it fixed. I feel bad for postmen, they don’t have any mail anymore—at least on Christmas, you can give them something to do.
What is your favorite Christmas decoration ever?
I have a lot. A fan made me a Christmas statue of Divine knocking a Christmas tree over and the lights blink and everything—it’s really beautiful. And for years, I decorated the electric chair from Female Trouble, but now it’s got so many decorations on it that it looks like a tree, you can’t tell.
What makes a Baltimore Christmas special?
There is something that they actually call the “Miracle on 34th Street”—and there is a Thirty-fourth Street here—and every single house [on that block] has so many Christmas lights on it that it’s insane. There are traffic jams to go see it and people just start laughing uncontrollably when they see the houses. Other people say, “Oh, it’s so beautiful.” It’s not—it’s hideous! But kind of in a great way: It’s so over the top, in a great Baltimore way. To me, it looks like the most insane Diane Arbus picture. I have all these fantasies of moving to that block and being the one house that refuses to do it, to be so hated by everybody else. I couldn’t stand it though—people just coming to your house. I hope people are warned before they buy a house there that they live on [in a horror movie voice] the “Miracle on 34th Street.”
What was Divine’s Christmas like?
He was always in trouble because he was driven crazy by lust for Christmas decorations. And he didn’t even have an apartment sometimes—he would write bad checks, he would charge his parents’ credit cards. He loved Christmas decorations, but he hoarded them!
Do you think Christmas has become too commercial and crass?
No, I think Christmas has always been what it is. But it does get earlier every year: Now people put up Christmas decorations at Halloween but I think it’s perfect because that scares me! And you’re supposed to be scared at Halloween, so it covers two bases at once.
When you perform these Christmas specials, what parts does the audience relate to the most?
All the dirty parts.
What do you want to get for Christmas this year?
Oh I have a list—they’re all books.
Such as?
Topless Cellist: The Improbable Life of Charlotte Moorman, The Selected Poetry of Pier Paolo Pasolini, and Harmony Korine: Interviews.
What is your favorite Christmas song?
I love the Chipmunks, because I cannot get enough of their voices. But every Christmas album puts me in a good mood.
How about your favorite Christmas movie?
Christmas Evil, the one where the guy looks in the mirror one day and says, “Oh my God, I’m Santa Claus,” then gets a job at a toy factory, and ends up stuck in someone’s chimney.
What would be your idea of a Christmas miracle?
That I was given a Christmas TV special like Judy Garland, and Liza would still come on and sing show tunes.
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